Job report card

I got to the point where I actually did like everyone I worked with, bar my boss.

Lovely Chef was easily my favourite. She started just after I did and so didn't patronise me to fuck, and isn't as crass and self-assured as some of the others. She gave me sweets sometimes and was always apologetic when she ended up in my way, even though she only ever was when she had to be. It's genuinely a shame that I won't ever get the chance to actually get to know her properly.
Grade: A+, will go far.

Mrs Waitress got married just after I started and so I didn't see a lot of her. When we did work together, we often tried to outdo each other on politeness, immediately thanking the other as soon as they thanked us.
Grade: B+, very conscientious.

Rockin' Robin Waitress got on my nerves to begin with, primarily because she explained to me that Rockin' Robin was about a dancing bird. Apps were her "thing", but that sat weirdly as a thing because it's not like she was particularly up to date with any of them. She only just discovered Instagram and Tinder within the past couple of weeks, and hasn't yet sussed out Snapchat. She tended to make more of an effort to hold a conversation with me than the others to begin with, though, and I appreciated her utter nonsense ("I think I was born Irish. I've got the witty banter! But I'm not Irish any more. But I've got the banter!")
Grade: C+, needs to apply herself.

Nose Piercing Chef was someone I worked with almost every shift but it took forever to get to know her. By the time I actually started getting on with her, learning that two of her life loves were Green Wing and Mario Kart meaning she was essentially my kindred spirit, I was in my last week of work. She made all the work playlists and often filled them with a heady concoction of Spandau Ballet, Phil Collins and Macklemore and Ryan Lewis. Sometimes she'd add slabs of halloumi to my lunches and she was very good at poking fun at me without annoying me ("Ooh, wow! That's eh... that's pretty special, Chris!") She was the one I had to get on with in order to get nice treats at the end of the day, and she is also the only one that can get away with ripping our boss. She is a tough nut and a good egg, although I did grow paranoid that whenever she got me to prepare the pulled pork she was making wank jokes that I didn't register until it was too late because I'm an innocent flower.
Grade: A, but must work on communication skills ("you prepare parsley too angrily"?)

Bearded Barista looked to me like he was in a band and was only working in a cafe because he needed to pay the bills. Turned out that's exactly what he was doing. Once I saw him when he'd trimmed his hair and his beard and he looked so different that I started talking to him and then immediately panicked that I was talking to someone I didn't know, stumbling over my words before eventually stopping mid-sentence. From then on the only exchange we really bothered having was "coffee?"; "yes please".
Grade: C, should have warned me about beard edit.

Racist Barista is a lovely guy in all but the racism. He made more effort to get to know me than anyone else, asking me about actual thoughts and opinions I had, and showing me photos of things he'd seen that he thought I'd appreciate (although one of those was a Rolf Harris record he'd found which led to a Yewtree conversation that I wasn't really ready to have at work). The racism led to occasional uncomfortable moments, such as when I thought one of his friends had yellow fever and it turned out it was just slang for a white man who has a thing for Asian women; and when he made reference to "towelheads", unsure if it was offensive.
Grade: D, really needs to stop the racism lark.

Psycho Twat Boss is infuriating. Even when I knew how to do everything and she stopped micromanaging every task I did, she was consistently unpleasant. This wasn't specific to me. She made fun of Lovely Chef for making muffins that were too small, slagged Mrs Waitress behind her back for not "appreciating" her job when it was clear that she wanted to leave but couldn't afford to, screeched at Rockin' Robin Waitress for missing her train (once!) and being twenty minutes late for her shift, had an argument with Nose Piercing Chef about what they had cooked in the past (shooting Chef down saying they had never cooked a certain meal in the kitchen, despite the fact that she was arguing with chef who cooks the meals), and had frequent gos at Bearded Barista for not having done minor things that it was never in his remit to do. Everyone recognises and has said to Psycho Twat Boss that Racist Barista is clearly her favourite, which I think is the case - although I don't know what he did to avoid her wrath.

I still never managed to hold a decent conversation with Psycho Twat Boss, though, whereas the rest of them did. I think she thought I was an idiot, but she'd never tell me why. Once I had to go and get some coffee from her car, but I took a while because I thought it was in the boot and the boot wouldn't open. So I tried to open the boot, until I realised that the coffee was sitting on the back seat. When I came back with it, she said "why did you spend so much time looking at my car?". I explained, and joked that "I wasn't just admiring it!". She said "I didn't think you were admiring it". I asked "What did you think I was doing?" and she stared at me, shook her head, and walked away.

Grade: F, needs to get a better grasp of common decency.

While you might look at my 100% accurate grade thinking that what I say to my boss might have been inappropriate, what with the whole "boss/employee" relationship thing, I should point out that Psycho Twat Boss has spoken to us all about how she likes pineapple because it makes cum taste nice, and that she was chatting to customers about "labial stretching". She gave Rockin' Robin Waitress her old iPhone but not before "checking there are no pictures of boobs on it". "Gotta clear your fanny off it first!" Nose Piercing Chef cheerfully interjected. The boss/employee relationship was quite flexible in that regard.

Unless you are me. I just couldn't crack the code to getting on with her. And when I left, she asked me what I was going to do. I lied about having another job to go to. And then I left, Nose Piercing Chef saying that it was really nice working with me and thanking me for everything I'd done, with Imagine by John Lennon playing in the background. It is my least favourite song in the world. I actively hate Imagine by John Lennon.

Conclusion: I didn't even get a treat on my last day. D.